When did I start feeling different? Well, when I was around 6 or 7. And by the time I was in grade 7, about 13 years old, my feelings and attraction towards other boys became stronger. Things didn’t make any sense to me; I knew I wasn’t supposed to feel this way. I knew there had to be something wrong with me.
A friend in grade 7 confirmed the turmoil that had already started within me. You see during recess he would tell me stories of girls he liked at school. During the time when we were going home he would go on rambling. For example, one day he told me in full details without leaving anything out, how he groped his cousin and the excitement it gave him. I listened to him like many times before but my mind was working its magic. I would fantasize about him with these girls and I would even dare to fantasize about him having sex with me.
I was in grade 7. I was young and innocent and I thought it would just fade away slowly and I would soon be like him; fantasizing about girls. I thought it was just a phase.
Years went on and I still harbored the same feelings – a growing desire to fantasize about the boys that I found attractive. I was well aware of my feelings though I still struggled understanding what they really meant. Living in a society that is closed up about this subject failed to give me clarity of what was happening to me. The highly religious Muslim family I was born into didn’t help. You see where I come from being gay is associated with effeminate flamboyant guys and transsexuals. I knew I wasn’t them and this gave me trouble.
Who am I? I asked the question with no answers. There was no one I could turn to and so it became my personal struggle.
One day I stumbled upon a clip on YouTube of Desperate Housewives showing Andrew and Justin kissing. When the clip finished I was laughing and celebrating. What struck me was that these two guys were neither girly nor flamboyant. Could they be gay? I asked myself over and over again as I replayed the video at home.
Fast forward to 2007. My sister had just bought a Smartphone which was a big deal. I was intrigued by tech stuff and as I was going through her phone, I came across Operamini browser and immediately started surfing the internet. I googled “men sex” and I was shocked to see naked masculine guys making out. It was here that I realized gay guys existed and I was not alone. It also gave me so much relief knowing I wouldn’t need to spend any more time on straight porn. I found my home.
It was at this pivotal moment that a friend of my brother shifted to the school I was in. He was two years older than me, a beautiful Arab boy who I became close to and developed a huge crush on.
During one of my school vacations, my sister traveled for a few days and asked me to watch over her house. I asked my friend’s mom if he could come over and give me company as I didn’t want to be in the house alone. She agreed.
One day he came back with a porn CD and we popped it in and started watching. Watching porn with him was a dream come true and I eyed his bulge with excitement. All of a sudden, the third scene had two guys kissing while the girl was busy caressing them.
WTF dude? I reacted but he stayed calm and said he didn’t know the CD would have anything like that. My heart was beating so fast, I could hear it with my ears. We didn’t talk about it for three days until he came with another set of DVDs with another surprise when we found Brokeback Mountain in the list. I had my suspicion about him but I didn’t say anything.
One day, he asked for my phone and apparently went through my browsing history and found links to gay porn. He confronted me and I defended myself by telling him I had sent my phone for repairs and probably it was the people at the repair shop who viewed gay porn. I think he didn’t buy it, but he didn’t pester me any further.
In order to confirm my suspicion about him, I asked for his phone and went through his browsing history and found a bookmark of xvideos gay category. That night I confronted him. He didn’t deny. He said he was curious. He said he knew that I was also curious. I was shocked, speechless and in the midst of trying to find a word to say he got closer to me and groped me and started kissing me. I went along though my heart was beating out of my chest. I started touching him as we kissed and I went for his dick. It was so thick. Deliriously, I squeezed it until he said he was in pain. He took me to bed and we fooled around; kissing and cuddling among many other adventures.
When we reached Form IV we went separate ways and until today I don’t know where he is.