The Ashtray & Hairy Portuguese

It has decided to start snowing in Leiden. It never snows here or at least this is what I have been told. Mostly the snow decides to blend in with the rain and create something like a sludge. Not pretty.

It is around midnight and I have just wrapped up a party in my house. Not my party but another housemate’s. We had wine, tea, crackers and chocolate. Oh yes. In that order and reverse.

I am back to my room and now I am on Grindr. I start chatting up this guy. I remember him cause I chatted with him before. I remember he is Portuguese but nothing much. He seems as short as they come. With a bit of hair on his legs and a bearded face. He looks good. I think I like how he looks.

He replies and we start chatting. He is 170 meters away from me. Quite close. I remember something about him when we chatted last year. He was the type that talks but never acts. “Send me pics” type. “What would you wanna do to me” type. The types that I don’t like to be honest.

But he was cute so I indulged him then and now. But this time he seems to want to come. It is snowing when I open the door for him. He looks gorgeous. The Italian-Spanish-Portuguese gorgeous. I notice that he is taller than his photos.  We starts kissing immediately after the door closes.


He tastes of a freaking ashtray. A much used ashtray. My mind can’t seem to place his looks with the taste of his mouth. You see I am an advocate against kissing heavy smokers. Casual ones I can take. I have to cause pretty everyone smokes and you might not get laid if you are looking for a non-smoke.

I take him upstairs to my room, passing through the maze of corridors and winding staircases. We continue kissing. I am really trying not to concentrate on hi ashtray  mouth. He kisses well though.

And then when he undresses I see it. A body full of fur. I immediately think of a monkey. A shiver passes through me. The body pic he sent me wasn’t this hairy. He is hairrrry, let’s shave him for a charity. He is hairy, the dense forest on the entire body like Congo has descended upon him .

He sucks me, the little voracious Portuguese. Grunting and Moaning. He is the type of the sucker that deepthroat and saliva drips from his mouth and goes right in. As he is devouring me I am contemplating his taste on my mouth. I stop. I have to think of something different. “Think of Alfama, think of fado music” I urge myself. Maybe not fado music.

I get down and suck him, possibly the only part of his body that doesn’t have any hair. Thank god for that. I lose myself in the act and he is grunting even more than before.

He jumps on the bed and pucker up his little furry butthole. “Think of Alfama and Belén and gostoso and caralho and everything good,” Damn that thing is a rainforest.

Before long I stop. I can’t function. My member doesn’t comply with the expectations. I finger him. This is not working. We stop. He is disappointed and I am too. For different reasons of course.

He asks me what I am studying and I come up with something generic. Management. I ask him the same. He is writing his thesis on migration. I comment saying it is interesting especially at this time of rising nationalism. He says he doesn’t want to talk about it, I tell him he doesn’t have to. He was the one who asked what I was studying and out of courtesy I did the same for him. I notice that he has an American accent. Come on! He doesn’t even have the Portuguese accent, ‘sad face’.

He gets dressed and I usher him out to the door. We hug, the bro hug and he leaves. He blocks me on Grindr.

In five minutes someone writes me saying he is the snowman. I tell him he better not taste like an ashtray or be hairy.

I got to sleep.

Moral of the story – no un-sexy forested beings for me. And  no ashtray mouths. I hope I will learn.


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